STOP Walking on Eggshells. Crush the No. 2 Eggshell of Your Abusive Relationship Under Your Heel!
Like most moms, you have probably been walking very gingerly on the “Protecting Your Children Eggshell.” You may believe if you can just keep the peace by walking on eggshells your children will be better off because they will still be living with their father. However, what type of life is that--for you or for them? If your husband is abusive to you, it affects your children adversely—either because he is directly abusive to them or because they witness his abuse towards you. If your children are young they will be sad, scared and anxious about what is going on. If they are older, they will be angry…angry with their father for what he is doing AND angry with you for staying.
Be prepared--your husband will try to make you feel guilty about wanting to “break up the family.” Remember, you are not protecting your children by keeping them in a toxic, scary environment and thereby forming their view that is what a home is like.
An abuser will USUALLY threaten you with taking your children away from you. In this situation you must choose faith--not fear. Believe your children will be protected. Don’t make a big deal of this issue. He is only going to pursue full custody if he thinks you don’t want him to have any—really.
Unfortunately, statistics show the sad truth that 27% of fathers have NO CONTACT with their children when they leave. That’s 27% of all fathers. What do you think the percentage is for damaged men; men who don’t know how to love and don’t care about the feelings of their own wives and children? You don't have to stay to protect your children--you have to leave.
As your children get older and start to form opinions of their own and share them, you may feel you must be present whenever your husband is with your children to make sure you can “control” the atmosphere, the conversation, the possibility of things escalating to a physical confrontation because you are trying desperately to keep the peace with your husband AND make sure your children are okay. You are walking on the “Protecting Your Children Eggshell” and making sure they are walking on eggshells too.
Even though you may sometimes accomplish a quiet evening at home, please know your children are NOT okay. They are NOT going to be okay. They are suffering daily harm to their spirits, their emotions and possibly their bodies (if physical abuse is involved.) There have been many women who find out physical abuse of their children occurred only after the abuser is out of the home and the children feel safe sharing that information. Remember, although these men are dangerous, they are also cowardly bullies who only harm their immediate family members who aren’t strong enough to defend themselves.
Rarely, does a man abusing his wife and children have a true mental problem that causes out of control rage. They are, on the other hand, very in charge of their emotions when it comes to other men (someone who could offer a fair fight.)
If you are living with a man whose behavior causes you to be unable to be at peace leaving your children in his care when you can’t be present; they should not be living with that man--period. If he will not get help for his abusive behavior—emotional, verbal and physical; he will have to leave so that YOUR children (even if they are his biologically) can feel safe and happy in their own home. This is of the utmost importance. Your children deserve a happy childhood and a happy home. You may live on a lower socioeconomic level after divorce but your children will have a chance at happiness and a normal life.
Go ahead--Crush the “Protecting Your Children Eggshell” under your heel. Realize you are NOT protecting your children by requiring them to walk on eggshells to keep a false peace with their abusive father. Demand proper treatment of you and your children at once. Let him know he must speak to you and treat you respectfully at all times…ESPECIALLY in the presence of your children. Let him know he must treat your children properly whether you are present or not and if he does not, go to the authorities. Safety Note: Don’t threaten him with that; just do it.